Justice? Surely you jest.

What’s the difference between a trial in Pine Valley and a train to Crazy Town? As far as I can tell, nothing at all.

AMC doesn’t even try for verisimilitude. I am not exactly complaining about that. After all, this is a soap.  And frankly, if logic prevailed it wouldn’t be a trial in Pine Valley.

There are many traditions in a PV trial. “Don’t say anything bad about the dead” has no place in a PV courtroom. In fact, just the opposite is true. The more the murdered party is defamed, the more likely it is that no one will serve time. In the case of the evil but sexy David Hayward, the defaming started before the body was cold.

Erica must affect the proceedings in some ridiculous manner.  Most times, she rushes into the courtroom, disrupting the proceedings.  Instead of throwing her out of the courtroom, the judge lets her stay. The judge lets her stay to testify from the middle of the aisle. And without being sworn in.

Equally important is that Erica’s testimony is seldom, well, seldom,uhh, useful. In this trial, Erica was sitting in the correct place and sworn in. The only thing that didn’t change was the uselessness of her testimony. She informed the court that Jack, the defendant’s father, believed in his daughter’s innocence. Hardly shocking and certainly not relevant.  In addition, while testifying, she and Jack were exchanging smoldering looks. I half expected the judge to call a recess so  the witness and the defense attorney could have sex on the courtroom floor. Or on the tables. Or in the jury box. Or on the judge’s comfy looking chair.

If I had a dollar for each time a witness committed perjury, I could afford to buy a few Bump-Its for my sad hair. Add in a dollar for each time someone manufactured and/or destroyed evidence, I could buy the company that makes Bump-Its.

Tad has demonstrated almost extraordinary skill at manufacturing evidence. If he hadn’t produced the fake pictures, Brooke might have served time for killing Jim Thomason.

If Tad hadn’t gone to extraordinary lengths, Zach and Dixie would be spending their last days on Death Row in the Big House for killing Greg Madden. Of course, Tad had a self-serving reason for those actions. Yes, he wanted Dixie, and to a lesser extent, Zach, to go free. That required quite a lot of skill. He had to manufacture evidence that freed Zach and Dixie without pointing the investigation in his direction.

Why was Tad concerned about the investigation turning in his direction? Because he’s the one responsible for Madden’s death.

Guilt or innocence has little place in a PV trial; where would the fun be in that?

Ahh, what a tangled web Pine Valley justice weaves.

I don’t even know why this trial is being held at all. To convict someone of murder, doesn’t someone need to be dead?  And since I refuse to believe that David is dead, this trial, while fun, will turn out to have had no purpose at all. 

It’ll likely to turn out that the only thing this trial achieves is Madison’s broken heart. Considering Madison is guilty of, but was never tried for, murder maybe justice will finally be served. After all, isn’t losing Ryan the greatest punishment of all?

Let’s see, did anything else of interest happen in the Valley last week? Be patient, please, I am doing my best to come up with something.

Oh, yeah, there was this


What a beautiful couple. A beautiful couple who will, undoubtedly, soon experience something dreadful.

That’s not a spoiler because every happy couple in Pine Valley experiences something dreadful.

And there is no justice in that at all.

See you in two weeks. As always, thank you for reading what I write.

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Posted in Kate's Columns | 3,842 Comments

AMC Trials and Tribulations

How about that trial, folks?

Have you EVER seen due process served up so quickly?  It’s like getting fillet Mignon at the drive through window of McDonalds!  Greenlee was barely in custody when people started being thrust up onto the witness stand like Pez popping out of a dispenser.

Although we will touch on a bit of David Hayward’s witch hunt roast murder trial, we first need to discuss the most important aspect of this debacle:  hair.

Liza got her unwieldy mane under control and showed up with very respectable lawyer hair.  Wait.  That deserves capital letter:  Very Respectable Lawyer Hair.  She’s not quite up to District Attorney Hair yet being as how she is only an interim District Attorney.  You have to be the actual Actual District Attorney to rate the severe bun look.  Jack never did manage to pull that one off, but Damon might aspire to do so.

Speaking of Damon…

… he makes quite a good girl Friday, don’tcha think?  Liza could only treat him worse if she forced him to wear a loincloth and beat him between cross-examinations, but he takes it like the tough little Martin man he is (sort of).

With that aside out of the way, let me just give kudos as a Proper Southern Woman (cross-reference Bobbie Eakes/Krystal Carey) to Greenlee for her adorable use of the Innocent Defendant Bumpit:

You Go, Girl! Get yo' Bumpit ON!

That’s right.  All those Yankee women envy our big hair.  How can you not, really?

I was personally tremendously excited by another impressive inspiration which very nearly eclipses the beauty of big hair (but not quite) and that is the fact that throughout all of Monday’s episode, I did not once have to hear Caleb refer to Erica as “Dorothy.”  OK, writers.  We get the joke.  It was cute the first couple of times and God in His Rightful Heaven knows I love me some Caleb, but now it’s about as funny as the 47th time your senile Uncle Clarence tells that joke about the duck that walks into a bar.  Time to mosey along and leave that one in the annals of time.

(Yes, I was so tempted, but I didn’t)

Here’s one for ya:

"Hello, Ms Kane." "Why helllllloooooo, Counselor."

Don’t you kind of get the feeling that they have used those very lines with one another at “special times?”  I was praying that while Liza questioned Erica, she would actually offer up, “Why no.  I do NOT believe Greenlee was responsible for my plane crash.  I take full responsibility for it since I did not allow the pilot to complete his safety inspection or file a flight plan.  Had I let him do his job, my plane would not have crashed and we would not be having this conversation.” 

Don't worry. I shook it off. Back in the real world now.

I loved Liza’s questioning of Kendall and how the conversation did not seem to be happening between two people who were even in the same room.  “Were you aware of any serious strain between Mr. & Mrs. Hayward?”  “I wouldn’t know.”  Rather than asking permission from the judge to treat Kendall as a “hostile witness,” I expected her to say, “You wouldn’t know whether or not you were aware of serious strain?  Your honor, I would like permission to treat Ms Slater as an overly unaware witness.”

Some interesting and eye-raising moments did occur:

Ryan sure knows how to shut a girl up

Remind me to start babbling inanely around him next time I see him.  This does pose this question however:

Oh yeah, her

Did everyone, especially Ryan, forget that the girl he’s ditching got away with murder?  It’s clear where this story is heading and whether the viewers want it or not, a Greenlee-Ryan pairing seems inevitable.  That leaves Madison out in the cold and I’m betting there’s going to be a handy bookend where ever she is when she finds out that she’s yesterday’s news in LaveryLand.  We all know that Ryan doesn’t do so well with bonks on the head, so unless she wants his etch-a-sketch shaken again, she might want to do the job right and go for the kill.

But wait!  We need her!  Who else will run Fusion?  Randi is clearly distracted by every shiny thing around her and Bianca is worthless, despite coming all the way from Paris to run the company.  Madison is the only one I ever see doing any work and Lord knows she needs a raise.  Maybe she can get away with a second murder and eventually gain controlling interest of Denver-Carrington Fusion ala Alexis Carrington and leave all of these inattentive owners in the dust.  Jeez, at least give the girl a raise!

Clearly, Kendall can’t run the business since she is far too busy complaining endlessly about her 45 minutes of community service. I seem to remember David dumping ashtrays and mopping floors at Pine Valley hospital for months this much complaint, but God forbid Kendall break a nail while paying for the felony she committed.  What a whiner!

Did I actually hear this?  Did I? 

"Oh how I wish evvvvvverybody could come back to Pine Valley!!"

Would this not have been a prime time to say, “Well, at least JOSH could be here with us since your husband shot him right in his head so you could have his heart to walk around where ever we go!  Isn’t family great??!!!”

I have a lot of evvvverbodys I’d love to see come back.

Erica said something a week or so ago that really got my attention, “Greenlee brought out the worst in David.”  I am surprised that a huge fissure didn’t rip right through the middle of Pine Valley and create a vortex so strong it sucked every living creature and all of the sound stage sets into its greedy, gaping maw never to be seen again.  How could anyone say something even back-handedly positive about David or even allude to the idea that Greenlee might be at fault in something without the whole, entire issue being David’s fault?  It hardly seems possible. I’ll bet there’s a David’s Fault Line that runs through Pine Valley waiting to break open if anyone ever speaks positively of David.

Another thing that is hard to imagine is that things actually did happen that had nothing to do with the Wretchedness of David.  Strange, but true!

Poor Scott got hauled off to prison because remember, due process is served up hot and speedy in the Valley!  He’s off and will come back with a different face as soon as he has finished standing around in a cell and talking to Greenlee for his community service punishment.  Why oh why did he just babble out his confession to Caleb?  I can only presume that his brain was numb from having been cuckolded yet again by JR.  I’m surprised Annie doesn’t go dig up poor Stuart’s dead body and violate it since she seems intent on working her way through every Chandler man there is.  It has to hurt when your marriage turns out to be just another name crossed off on the dance card.

Our Kate Brown presented an intriguing thought:  What if this whole “he stole the idea” story is actually a plot by Palmer to screw with the Chandlers from beyond the grave?  Did he tells Scott about the invention (and then not mention it in his will) because he knew Scott would steal it and that would be the downfall of Chandler Enterprises?  Certainly, back in the OLD DAYS, corporate rivalry was something Adam and Palmer took very, very seriously and there was a time they would do anything to bring one another down.  Could this be one final jab from the great beyond?  Did “Ol’ Pete Cooney” have a plan?  Could it be that deliciously complex?

Another question posed:  Are we on the brink of a “Who’s the Daddy” story with Annie?  We haven’t had one in a while and a pregnancy in which either JR or Scott is the daddy would really twist the knife in the cousin’s rivalry!

I try to keep current on the AMC casting details, but seriously, no one told me the entire cast of the movie “Superbad” had been hired for a quick dayplayer shot:

"GLORious, vicTORious. Thank God there aren't any MORE of us."

Oh wait, one more

Cue JR to save the day and the Pine Valley Wheel just keeps on turning.  There are few things one can depend on in life, but God bless All My Children for giving us a few:  Erica will never be referred to as “Grandma.”  Jack will always have great hair (without a bumpit even!).  David will ALWAYS be responsible for anything that happens, even if he’s dead.  A Martin will always have a legally defensible reason for breaking the law and JR and Annie will always end up in bed.  That’s what makes things right in the world. 

See you in two weeks.  =)

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Posted in Katrina's Columns | 2,490 Comments