Ten Lines I Want Added to Upcoming AMC Scripts

1). “For godsake, Jake, would it kill you to use some shampoo and comb your hair?” (Carolyn Martin Whoever)

Lindsay Hartley (formerly Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald Crane Winthrop, who was the arch nemesis of Liza Huber’s character Gwen Hotchkiss on “Passions”) has been cast in the role of ”Cara” Finn who is thought to be Carolyn Finn who is Jake’s glazed over missing ex-wife. Will she take one look at Jake and think he looked better in the African outback? (Does Africa have on “outback?” If it doesn’t it damned well should) Ol’ Jake has gotten a little scruffy since he got married and no longer needs to peacock for his favors. Will Susan Lucci, get a chance to go up against her little girl’s former onscreen nemesis? We can only hope! Hartley starts on December 8th and Passions fans are talking a good game about this actress? I’ve not seen her work, but all I can say is brang it own!

2). “But…but…but… we thought you were DEAD!!” (Everyone in Pine Valley)

You know I’m not going to stop beating this particular dead horse with a hammer, a golf club, a baseball bat or the butt of a pistol. You name it and this poor dead horse is going to get whapped with it until it gets up and starts prancing around like the damned Lipizzaner Stallions. You know what I’m talking about. They CAN’T kill off David! As an aside, why is Liza being demonized for doing her job?

They can take David Hayward away from me when they pry him out of my cold, dead, grasping fingers. The loss we, as viewers, have sustained this year is too heavy to bear: David, Adam, Zach, Jack for most of the year and back only as Erica’s lapdog, Palmer, Tad, Jesse… What? Tad and Jesse are still there? Oh, do you mean those two bitchy old women who look a lot LIKE Tad and Jesse?

Who looks a lot like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets any more?

No no no no no. My Tad and Jesse look like this:

Oh sorry, no, I mean this:

I miss the real guys. I truly do. Missing all of these special characters as I do, having to give up David does not ride well in my saddle. I’m not giving up!

Which brings me to:

3). “Well this is just a little Peyton Place and you’re all Pine Valley hypocrites!” (Anyone in Pine Valley who has a moment of clarity)

For as much as the beat on David as the cause of all of their sorrows and misfortunes, these folks sure do cause a lot of grief to other people themselves! I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit listening to Angie lie her way through her hearing. While I’m on the subject of the Hubbards, Shouldn’t Jesse be recused from investigating David’s “murder” when he and his wife are prime suspects?

4). Digi-deji-digo, what? (Ryan and/or Greenlee)

How on earth did Ryan know how to spell “digitalis” to look it up on his phone and how did Greenlee know how to read such a big $5 word?

5). COONEY! Get your butt back in the sticks where it belongs! (Adam)

How I would love to see Adam come back and kick up a real fight with Caleb! JR is hardly man enough to take him on, but Adam could really give him a run for his money, not to mention the fact that the bad blood between them from the past would be a real kicker to the story! Sigh. I do so miss Adam.

Secondarily, why did Palmer, who was such a die hard fighter and ruthless business man, have such great appreciation for Caleb, who apparently ran from the world like a little girl the second Adam bested him? Doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of man Palmer would get excited about.

Mind you, despite the quote, I don’t want Caleb to leave. I’m starting to like having him around. I just want Adam back, even recurring, to tussle with him like old times.

6). Scott? Is that you? (Preferably Stuart, but since I can’t have that, I’ll settle for Marian)

News came out this week that both Brittany Allen and Adam Mayfield had been let go from the show and will air into October. The official word from AMC is that they want to “take the characters in a different direction.” Unless this means that the other direction is “off screen,” we have to presume a recast. I have always said that the impact would have been much more pronounced and the story so much easier to buy if they had cast Alexa Havins as Marissa from the beginning. Can you imagine if they’d used the discretion they used in killing off David and had Krystal walk into the massage parlor and we found Babe’s exact doppelganger there? How cool would THAT have been?

My vote for recasting Scott, although I will miss Adam Mayfield’s sweet “Haley Joel Osment” face, is the old Scott, Forbes March. Let him pick JR out of his teeth for a while.

7). “We’ve located an island just off the coast of Pennsylvania.” (Derrick Frye)

Derrick shows up and tells Jesse that they’ve found an island on which live Vanessa, Leo, Dixie, David, Simone, Jonathan, Edmund, Roger Smythe, Trevor, Josh, Stuart, Ethan and any other dead character that you like except Babe. That one is non-negotiable. They’re all alive and well and are bummed that the clones Greg Madden made of them got killed off while in Pine Valley. Yes, I know Greg wasn’t in Pine Valley when some of them died, but if he could have anti-aborted Josh, he could have done anything.

8). “Bianca, you’ve changed so much!” (Erica)

Recasts are recasts and I accept them as part and parcel of the soap experience, but doesn’t Bianca seem a lot different than before? As I listened to Kendall and Bianca reminisce about old times, I wondered why Kendall didn’t just set Bianca on fire and walk away.

9). “Little A, I mean, AJ, I mean whoever you are, kid, you’re going to have to man up if you’re going to be in this family.” (Skye)

Let me get this straight. First, the kid is scared by Miranda wearing make up. Then he’s traumatized because she and JR are fighting. Now he, like so many of us, is devastated by David’s death to the point of needing therapy. This kid is a Chandler? If ever a kid needed to go to Skye Chandler Quartermaine Alcazar boot camp, it’s this one. He’s not going to make it into first grade without checking into a mental facility at this rate. Coming from the wise-cracking, ironing board made grilled cheese sandwich eating, trucker pleasuring Carey women on one side and the cut-throat, take no prisoner Chandlers on the other side, you’d think he’d be made of sterner stuff. If Skye can’t pry herself looks from spending her late husband’s millions (more of them, she already blew through the first batch) to do a little nephew counseling, maybe Dixie can make another swoop down from pancake heaven and give him a little spine infusion. If he keeps on at this wussy trajectory, we’re never going to get him SORAS’d.

10). “Good Morning.” (Leo to Greenlee)

Nuff Said