Christmas Tiiiime is Heeere

Commentary by Katrina Rasbold

When you have been a soap columnist for over a decade, there comes a time (many times) when you have just said all there is to say under the sun and end up staring at a blank word processing hole, trying to come up with commentary about what you’ve watched that week that isn’t the same thing you wrote a month or a year or eight years ago.  I believe the statute of limitations on reprinting should be five years.  Since our stories cycle, we can just go back to a column we wrote five years ago and copy and paste and do a “replace all” on the appropriate names.

There is one other alternative (“original thought” apparently not being one of the alternatives for me today) and that is to pull out the bag of tricks and rely on one of the tried and true schticky soap column standards.  With that in mind, let’s take advantage of this very special time of year to consider what should be in Santa’s bag for our Pine Valley folks.

First, let’s get into the holiday spirit:

and this:

Now that – unless you have a heart of cold, cold stone and I don’t mean the delicious ice cream – you are appropriately Christmas-y, let’s throw on our elf hats and start packing that bag:

For Amanda…

If ever there was a girl who needed her daddy, it’s Amanda because let’s face it, she has no one to tell her the right thing to do any more.  If we could just thaw out Uncle Porkchop and let him give her some good words of wisdom, she’d be on the right track in no time, plus I think Janet would feel a whole lot better.

For Angie…

For Annie…

Time to start swinging, girl.

For Asher…

If he gets to know his “real” daddy, Caleb can be off the hook and we can get that wonderful “Oh my god, I tongue-kissed my sister!” look of horror.  Hey, anything to help a struggling soap!

For Bianca…

For Brot…

and that’s all I’m saying about that.

For Caleb…

Although Krystal’s make up definitely improved the look a bit, I am thinking it’s time to up the ante.

For Colby…

Clearly, this intense, worrisome little girl did not play nearly enough in her childhood.  Lighten up, sweetheart!  You’re giving me an ulcer.

For Damon…

This guy needs to figure out which way is true north and stop swinging so far in each direction.  Get a clue, Scooby Doo!

For David…

I miss who he was with her.  He actually seemed happy and less tortured for a while.  In absence of that, I grant him a long vacation at my house.  I will cook for him and do lots of other things for him too!  Or Anna.  Whatevs.

For Erica…

What can you get for the woman who has everything?

I vote we bring her “I aborted you fair and square!” son back from the dead and proclaim that whole “Zach shot Josh so Kendall can live” thing a very unfortunate misunderstanding.  If Jesse can come back from the dead after donating every vital body organ he possesses, surely Josh can too.

For Frankie…

Pam would straighten ol’ Franklin right out.

For Greenlee…

For Jackson…

Have you ever used a “Gentle Leader” dog leash?  It’s a very innovative design that is excellent for controlling dogs you want to walk who are aggressive and always trying to lead and nearly pulling your arms out of their sockets.  Gentle Leader puts that important point of guidance under the dog’s chin rather than at the back of its neck which causes the dog to instinctively resist and pull even harder.  When the guidance point is under the chin, resistance on the part of the dog only causes the dog to pull back more, not forward.  This results in the person walking the dog having much greater (and kinder) control over the animal, creating a more joyful and less combative and out of control walking experience.  I’m just sayin’.

For Jake…

Time to go, dude.  C’mon.  Chop chop.  Time’s a’wastin’.

For Jesse…

Here is a ladder, Jesse.  I think you need it.  now you can safely get down off of your high horse.  You’re welcome.

For JR…

Clearly, JR’s legal eagles are not all they are cracked up to be since Caleb and Marissa are walking all over him with BS legal ideas they basically make up on the spot.  I think Diane Miller from GH might be just want Junior needs.  Santa can throw in some schooling in badassedness from this guy:

For Kendall…

Don’t have to think too hard on that one.

For Krystal…

Time to go embrace your true calling, sweetheart… in MICHIGAN!!   Yayyy!

For Liza…

+  

For Madison…

Those babies should do some good damage.

For Marissa…

For Natalia…

For Opal…

I never saw her smile the way she did with Tom Wopat.

For Randi…

(buh bye)

For Ryan…

For Tad..

Use it for good and not evil, Thaddeus.

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